I have an unreasonable concept of my own
"strength." Competence, capability and general good health, coupled
with a can-do just about anything attitude has gotten me through a lot of
sticky situations, troubles, traumas, etc. For all the times I think my eyes
and senses are wide open, aware of what is around me, I am frequently out of
tune with what is happening inside. Sure, I spend a lot of time ruminating,
turning thoughts, ideas, sensory impressions over and over in my mind. But when
it comes to what is happening inside my body, I tune it out. When I start to feel a little slow, fatiqued,
maybe even (gasp) a little bit ill, I deny it.
I zap myself with vitamins, teas, homepathics and plow through each day,
telling myself I am not sick. Oh no, there is no time for such weakness. I
don't get sick.
The effort this denial takes makes me snappish. With
apologies to those in close proximity, I put so much energy into pretending to
feel normal that I have no time for questions. The longer I ignore the signs,
the louder they get, hammering on the Denial Door. Open up and take care of
yourself! Obstinate, I drink a glass of vitamin C. Cough, cough. No, no, I feel FINE. Just a little tired….
After a week of
feeling fatigued and coughing in a very annoying manner, I finally went to the
doctor. I would not necessarily have
done this on my own; it took a doctor, a nurse, a social worker and a Rabbi to
convince me, and a chaplain who took me by the arm to walk me into the employee
clinic! Go, they all said – GO,
NOW.
With thanks to my colleagues, I lay my denial gently on the
ground. I don't have a minor summer cold; I have pneumonia. Take the week off,
everyone says. Denial lifts its head in
concern, but I have to admit, the best thing to do is nothing at all except
rest, take meds, rest some more.
Unless that River in Eqypt sends a rescue boat, this just
might be a message I can't ignore.
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