The Art of Dying 5

The New York Open Center’s conference, provocatively titled, was an amazing experience. Rather than being about the process of dying, this conference offered stimulating investigation into the nature of reality and consciousness, asking the question, “Does consciousness continue after death?” Different viewpoints were explored – the Tibetan Buddhist view was represented by Robert Thurman and Kunchok Gyaltsen, a Tibetan herbal doctor. Thomas Moore talked about care of the soul, which he believes continues eternally.  Rabbi Simcha Raphael gave a lively talk about the transpersonal, Jewish/Kabbalistic view which had similarities to Tibetan teachings of the Bardo. Henry Fersko-Weiss gave a beautiful presentation on bringing the sacred back to the deathbed as he talked about End of Life Doula training.

While I have never been personally concerned with life after death, most of my clients are. There are so many different concepts; while humans have puzzled over this question for millennia no one can say with certainty that they have the answer. It is indeed hard to conceive that someone so vibrantly present can be completely absent, totally NOT after they die.  And since no one has ever truly come back to tell us, many people rely on faith and some, like me, don’t worry about it too much.

Dr. Eben Alexander had a lot to say about his near death experience and sounds very certain about what he feels is true.  It was fascinating to spend the whole weekend listening and discussing different beliefs and possibilities.  We were also treated to a scientific study on the single dose use of hallucinogens to assist cancer patients with existential dread and anxiety.  Dr. Stephen Ross from NYU Medical Center is about to launch a third study into this, which, along with a very intensive therapy model, seems to be quite effective.

Having recently left my job at the Hospice, this conference could not have come at a better time.  I reconnected with some old associates including my former mentor from my Masters program.  One of my recent colleagues joined me for a day.  New friends appeared and connected and I advocated strongly for the inclusion of bereavement work in any conversation about dying. 

To decompress, two new friends joined me for a romp in Central Park where we joyfully rode the Carousel and sang in Strawberry Field.

Stop Talking

"Words, words, words, I'm so sick of words…."1 

"You keep talking…but you're not saying anything"2

"Inconceivable! You keep using that word…I do not think it means what you think it means…"3

We are such a verbally oriented society; the 24 hour news cycle along with the FCC rules that there can be no silence has created an incessant chatter – words, words, words. Newscasters try to explain what happened, repeating words like "here's what we know" when we don't know anything new, or interviewing friends of friends of acquaintances of the person who lived down the street from the shooter, whose words don't tell us anything.  In the raw, aghast shock of the incident in Sandy Hook, where an unstable young man had easy access to weapons of mass destruction, we search for words to make us feel better.  There are no words.

The images speak louder. Mothers hugging each other, fathers holding hands with surviving children, the open, gathering arms of a teacher as she hurried her students to safety, a crying child; these pictures convey a clearer message. But the more we rely on rhetoric, on words to explain away the impact of this event, the farther away we move from the why of it. There is no why except the world we have made.

A man told me this happened because we removed prayer from the classroom. Was he even thinking or was he spouting some words he heard on TV? Some religious folk talk about God calling his children home. Really? There is a deity who randomly calls up nearly 2 dozen little kids? I read these words: "Guns don't kill people; people kill people."  WHAT?  If this statement is true, then wouldn't it make sense to keep guns away from people who might use them to kill? What are you saying, America? Words, words, words. Where are the "words of comfort, words of peace, words to make the fighting cease?"4

If prayerful people really prayed for peace, as all religions teach, then why would anyone need guns at home, in their pocket or purse? If prayerful people prayed wherever they went, if they cared for each other (without state sanction but because they are prayerful and therefore prayerfully, consciously kind to one another) why eliminate mental health programs, treatment centers and other assistance for those families who desperately need it?  We need to manifest our real connection to spirit and to compassion in our hearts, in our interactions with each other and in the laws we make.  Blaming this incident on the separation of church and state, one of the most basic reasons this country was founded, is a political twisting of reality.  Why not pray for a world where we don't have to fight, blow each other up or carry concealed weapons? Are we engaging in a distorted personal cold war, neighbor by neighborhood?  Throw out your weapons of mass destruction, the ones that are hiding in closets, drawers and gun cabinets.  Keep a hunting rifle if you are a hunter but there is NO REASON for anyone to own repeating semi-automatic, blasting bushmasters or military style machine guns.

Stop talking. Throw out the words that separate us, the "she's in a better place" words and make THIS place a better one. DO something. And if you want to pray, pray for action and then take some.  If you need to use words, call Congress and say these words:

ENOUGH, ALREADY. Take away the ammunition.

1. My Fair Lady

2. The Talking Heads

3. The Princess Bride

4. The Tom Tom Club

Life After Death

Working in an interfaith, spiritually centered Hospice affiliated with a Catholic Hospital, I hear many people talk about what they expect after death. They say with certainty that they know they will see their loved ones again, or they joke that the husband, mother or father is up there (pointing to the ceiling) having an argument with Aunt Elsie, or driving everyone a little crazy.  It's a comforting thought for believers.

I've also listened to grievers who are troubled by their beliefs. Some worry about their loved ones, for whom they put so much time and desperate effort in trying to keep comfortable.  One man said he spent most of his time praying for his wife, because he feared that she needed him.  This week, a woman said, weeping, that she had the unnerving feeling that her husband wanted her "up there" with him. It felt like a pull in his direction and was very disturbing. She was not interested in harming herself in order to get there but she had this very clear feeling and was troubled by it.  This was in Group and several other members offered comfort and suggestions for her. I asked her if she could turn it around and ask him to be present with her here, and she again said that she thought he wanted her to come to him. 

In my spontaneous Sagittarian way, I blurted out without thinking, "well, it's not very nice of him, is it!"  The woman, along with everyone else in the room burst out laughing.  I feared I had been too provocative, but really, it seemed to me that she is alive and should be free to live fully, after his death.  If there is some presence there calling her, where is he expecting her to go? It seems almost rude of him (if it IS him and not a turned around thought about giving up) after all those years of care she gave him.  It would be nicer for her to find ways to re-engage in her life now, despite the sorrow and loneliness.

I have been thinking a lot about Life after Death myself lately but not in the same way.  To me, life after death is what you do with your life after your loved one died.  Life is not a passive place in which to wait, although grief often feels like an empty room in which everything is askew.  It is up to us  to embrace life, reshape it, re-invest in activity, new endeavors, new friendships and maybe even new relationships.  Immediately after my husband died, I heard a voice in my head saying, "your life has radically changed. Now WHAT?"  This has been the motivating thought even when I had no answers about how to live and walked around for years in a life that felt like an alien landscape. 

It is not easy to rekindle a desire for living when all you can manage is the most minimal of activities.  But over time, life begins to be more comfortable, even interesting.  There is life after death, and it can be whatever you want it to be. It is yours to shape.  Make it beautiful, full and fun.