Talking to the Bereaved

We seem unable to know what to do or say when a friend is grieving. Too often people resort to stock comments, meant to be comforting which actually are maddening and even hurtful to the bereaved. As a certified grief counselor, I’ve listened to clients cope with the hurt feelings these well-meant but clumsy clichés cause.  Here is a list of things you shouldn’t say, accompanied by what the bereaved person thinks if you do:

“He’s in a better place.”  So, being here on earth with me is not a good place?

“It was his time.” How do you know that? It certainly wasn’t MINE!  This is right up there with the next one:

“God has a special plan for her.” This may be helpful to the deeply religious but for most of us, the idea that there was a good reason to die, especially when this is said about a young person, is ridiculous. There is not a single human being who has direct insight into any cosmic grand plan that does or does not exist. Do not say this to a person who just suffered the death of a loved one.

“Well, after all, she lived a very long life.”  As if you are not supposed to feel sad? Does it matter if your 97 year old mother died? After all, you’ve had her in your life for such a long time – wouldn’t it make sense to grieve? This comment is insensitive and dismissive.

“Call me if you need anything.”  Trust me, the griever is too busy coping with death to pick up the phone. This does not mean that he doesn’t need anything. It means he is too upset to ask.

“You have to be strong.” The person saying this is telling the griever that they are uncomfortable with their emotions. In my opinion, strength is highly overrated. Grief is no time to be stoic.  Sadness, anger, fear and anxiety – all emotions that are symptoms of grief –  cannot be hidden by pretending to be strong.

“Are you over it yet?”  OY!  This was actually said to me by a weird firewood delivery man 3 months (yes, THREE) after my husband died.  I could not even speak. 

      Here is the truth about grief.  You will NEVER get over the death of someone you love.  You WILL be able to live again; you can grow, love, change, experience new things for the rest of your life. At the same time, you will always miss them. There will be random times in the future where you will suddenly feel terribly sad that they are no longer here. This will happen whether your loved one was 10, 50 or 100 years old when they died.

      So, now that we know some of the things NOT to say, what can you say or do for someone in grief? 

      BE THERE.  Show up, bring some nice tea or a plate of cookies and don’t be insulted if your friend just stares at them. 

    “I am here for you.”  Say this and then demonstrate it. Do something that needs to be done – offer to pick up the newspaper or a gallon of milk.  Make dinner, drop it off with a hug and a warm smile.
 

        Actions speak louder than words.  Offer to mow the lawn, take the garbage to the dump, help with shopping.  I am forever grateful to the acquaintance who noticed my mailbox stand was falling apart and simply built me another, came over and replaced it. 

    

       Say their name. People are sometimes afraid to bring up their name, thinking that this will make the person upset.  THEY ARE ALREADY VERY UPSET, and they are worried that no one remembers. Talk about the dead person.  Make it okay for their loved one to tell stories, to share a laugh about something funny they did in life. 

“     "I don’t know how you feel but I am willing to listen.”  Bring a box of tissues and let your friend cry in your presence.  It’s okay to weep a little yourself too. 

        BE THERE later. People usually rally around the time of death and then seem to disappear. Remember that your friend will be grieving for a long time.  Show up later, in 6 months, in a year, as well as immediately after the death.

Kindness, compassion and showing up are the best things you can do.  Saying words that show you care are the best things you can say.

Remembering Lyn

My meditation walk is covered with yellow and brown leaves but the centers of energy around which I traverse can be brushed off.  Today I will walk in honor of a friend who left this earth on Sunday.

She was very tall and skinny and had been on life-sustaining, cancer abeyance medications for 4 years.  Her struggle to stay alive was coupled with her struggle to continue to work despite dizzying side effects. A gentle soul who cared deeply about ecology, peace and her daughters, we shared several threads of connection: the people we knew and living locations although at different times. Lyn was the Volunteer Coordinator at the hospice where I worked for some time and always tried to offer ideas for working with children since she had run creative programs for little ones for many years.

About a month ago, I visited Lyn in her home. She was still trying treatments but her body was rejecting even hydration attempts. She could no longer drive but she had many friends providing help.  She wanted to clear the energy in her home and we developed an affirmation for her to hold with intent. She wished to release negative thinking and ask for what she needs.  I gently suggested that she ask to receive whatever this was, including peace.  I lit sage and wafted it all over her home, upstairs and down, into nooks and corners, over boxes, books and bedclothes.  Lyn sat on her couch with her eyes close, desperate to hold on to the thinning cord of life that she still had.  With sympathy and love, I made her lunch and then gave her a cardboard circle and some pastels.  She made herself a shield with a golden center, black lines jagging out of the circle and blue lines of peaceful energy pointing in.  Then she said she was tired and I left.

Last week another former colleague and I went to see Lyn in the hospital.  We gave her a stone engraved with the word Peace and another that said “One Day at a Time.” She clutched them both and said she was scared but she also had what she needed – her two daughters had returned to be with her.  Lyn finally decided to enter Hospice on Friday.  My colleague felt that she would be more comfortable there and would probably feel better for a week or two; I thought I would have time to visit her again. But we did not know what was happening inside her.  Perhaps having finally accepted that death was near, she relaxed and let go.  Lyn floated into peace on Sunday.  She was a gentle, loving person and now, she has melted into that peaceful energy that surrounds us.

Today I will walk in Lyn’s memory rather than attend her funeral. I am glad I got to see her, hug her frail body, one more time before she left.  Relax, Lyn. You’ve been holding on for a long time.  You deserve this peace.

Searching for Signs

Grievers often look for signs of their loved ones after they are gone.  Some people find pennies in their paths, some see butterflies.  A woman told me that lights turn on upstairs when she is downstairs and no one else is in the house. She is sure this is her husband and sometimes calls upstairs to say hello and to tell him to stop scaring her. Photographs show shining orbs or an aroma wafts through the room, seemingly without cause. But for every person who tells me they have seen a sign, there are 4 or 5 who say they wish they could. They long for some tangible message from the beyond that lets them feel that their lost loved one is still present, still looking out for them.
 
But if the desire for a tangible sign is a yearning for connection, what if our loved ones ARE showing up – in such subtle ways that we are missing the signal? Does a sign need to be a paranormal, graphic gesture? If we could see these random remembrances of them as connective threads, we might discover that our loved ones are present in our lives on a daily basis.  What about the random thought of something they said, a memory that suddenly arises and makes us smile?  Isn’t this a sign of our continued connection with our loved one after they die? 

 I challenge you to consider this: if our dead loved ones live on in our hearts, then they show up in our thoughts and memories. They show up when we don’t know what to do and suddenly remember what their advice would be.  They show up in a gesture that is just like theirs, in a song on the radio, in their favorite flower that blooms in the garden.

 
I challenge you to notice that they show up every day. The signs are there if you just pay attention.

As you tell the story.....

We know each other by the stories we tell.  In fact, we organize our lives through our stories, whether it is telling a friend about the trip you took to the market where you discovered some beautiful organic avocados, or sitting in a group telling the story of your grief. We may actually be creating our lives via these stories, so perhaps it would be wise to pay attention.

A wise woman said to me a long time ago:  “As you tell the story, it begins to happen. So why not make it a good one?”  I agree wholeheartedly and find myself concerned when I spend time with someone whose stories are filled with negativity, disgruntled complaints and woe.  Not to be too simplistic, but if the stories we tell are dark and dreary, couldn’t that affect how we view the world?   If we were paying attention to the story as it is shaped by our words, would we be able to tweak it a little? If like attracts like, do we attract the worst if that is where our attention is?

Grief is such an unsettling place. We must give voice to fears, anxiety, loneliness – all those seemingly negative and overwhelming emotions.  Yet, is it possible to find a balance between releasing these monsters and searching for something positive – a kernel of gold within the muck that can give us hope?  This kernel is the heart-seed of possibilities, a “promise,” as the poet Rabindrath Tagore said.  We used this poem as part of our wedding ceremony, allowing for possibilities to show up in unexpected ways and to flower.  Did I think that widowhood would be one of these possibilities?  No.  But I continue to tell a good story and to attempt, with great effort, to transform cataclysm into a meaningful life.

What story are you telling today?  How can you use your story to transform your life?

                                             The faith waiting in the heart of the seed

                                             Promises a miracle of life

                                             Which it cannot prove at once.

                                                                            ~RabindranathTagore, Fireflies